Why is it hard to break up? A psychologist discusses codependent relationships.

What is a codependent relationship?

Codependent relationships are destructive relationships in which a person is fully involved and completely absorbed in the life of another person, most often an addict: alcohol, drugs, food, games, work, gambling, computer games, dangerous sports, shopping, and the like.

Participants in codependent relationships believe that the actions and behavior of others completely influence their lives and well-being, so they are completely absorbed in controlling their own and others’ actions, and thus regulating their own well-being.

The term “codependency” means “joint dependence.” It first appeared in medicine and psychology in the late 1970s, when scientists began studying the causes of relapse in people with chemical dependencies. Alcoholics and drug addicts, returning to their families after therapy and rehabilitation, would relapse into drinking or drug use. Studying the relationships between addicts and close family members helped identify the phenomenon of codependency as a persistent system of attitudes, stimuli, and reactions that support drug and alcohol use.

Signs of a codependent relationship

A partner can be a husband/wife, parent/child, boss/subordinate/employee – any person with whom you are in some relationship.

• You believe that your partner is to blame for the fact that something is not going well in your life, because…
• If your partner is in a bad mood or something is wrong with them, or you think something is wrong with them, you are restless, you can’t do anything, so…
• You are obliged to do something to make him feel good or to make everything better for him.
• You don’t openly discuss problems with your partner—you discuss their behavior with other people, trying to understand the reasons for it so you can find a way to fix the problem, because…
• You are afraid of upsetting, offending, or angering your partner;
• Your partner may directly or indirectly blame you for something going wrong, and you easily agree with this;
• You believe that help, support, attention, and love must be earned through good behavior, and…
• If you don’t get the attention and support you deserve from your partner, you may feel like you’re not good enough and that you need to improve.

A person with codependent behavior can be recognized by their conversations: their involvement in the lives of others manifests itself in endless discussions of others—their spouse, colleagues, friends, neighbors. Conversations with such people are reminiscent of the lumberjack joke: “What do lumberjacks talk about? In the woods, they talk about women; with women, they talk about the woods.” At home, they discuss their boss or coworkers with loved ones, and at work, they discuss their relatives, complaining about their behavior. When interacting with such a person, the other person feels a sense of confusion: it’s unclear what they want, how they feel in this situation, or how they feel around you. You immediately want to save them: give them advice, offer help.

How codependent relationships arise

The development of a tendency toward codependent relationships is influenced by certain upbringing conditions, such as those in which parents or close relatives had addictions, mental illness, or were violent or used violence as a form of discipline. In such families, the child’s feelings, experiences, needs, and desires were ignored, and their opinions were ignored. The child rarely received praise. Everything they did well was perceived as normal, while anything they did poorly was scolded, punished, and criticized.

Silence and aloofness as a form of punishment left the child tormented by uncertainty: they couldn’t understand their fault or how to regain their parents’ favor. As a result, the child learned that they were responsible for the well-being of their loved ones, and that to please them, they had to figure out how to do so.

In such families, there is no direct dialogue. No one talks about themselves, their experiences, their desires, or expresses requests. All communication is based on obligation and problem-avoidance.

Thus, from childhood, a person learned that:

• He is the reason for everything that happens to loved ones.
• He is to blame for everything; he must understand the reason himself and find a way to fix everything.
• You can’t ask anyone – it’s a sign of weakness, you have to guess;
• Everything that happens to him can negatively affect others, be ridiculed and devalued, so it is not safe to talk about himself.
• You can’t want anything for yourself – this is a manifestation of selfishness;
• First of all, it is important to take care of others.
• Others know better what is good for him, so the opinions of others are a priority.

A person’s steadfast belief that they must care for others first and foremost precludes even the thought of taking responsibility for their own lives and doing something for themselves. Self-care manifests itself in the expectation that others will care for them if they “deserve” it. And instead of solving their own problems, they frantically engage in others’, timidly expecting to be noticed, appreciated, given attention, and offered help. It’s like Bulgakov’s “The Master and Margarita”: “Never ask for anything! Never ask for anything, especially from those who are stronger than you. They will offer it themselves and give everything themselves!”

In such relationships, the boundaries between the participants are blurred. A person doesn’t distinguish between themselves and others. One perceives any rejection not as the other’s will (“Sorry, what you’re offering isn’t right for me”), but as a sign that they haven’t tried hard enough or aren’t good enough—that they “don’t deserve it.” And if they try, change, become better, the other person will definitely notice/love/appreciate/give them what they want. Therefore, it’s difficult for them to leave the relationship. They don’t feel like they’re doing badly in the relationship because the other person isn’t accommodating; they feel fear, shame, and guilt for doing something wrong. To be loved, one must earn it. And they will stubbornly earn it, regardless of the desires and wills of others.

Our brains are lazy. People tend to form close relationships with others like themselves, with those who fit their behavioral patterns. People prone to codependency don’t really see themselves in relationships where they don’t have to take care of anyone: “Why would someone need me if they can cope without me?”

Experience shows that almost everyone in a codependent relationship has some kind of addiction (sometimes more than one). For example, in a family, the father drinks, the wife is absent from work, and the son chooses to escape his problems by playing computer games. The husband drinks, and the wife has a food addiction. A woman talks about her relationship with a boyfriend from whom they can’t break up, and it turns out that he used to use drugs, and she was treated for anorexia.

Codependency and the Karpman Triangle

The interactions between people in codependent relationships are clearly illustrated by a psychological model called the Karpman triangle (also known as the “triangle of fate”). This model was first described by American psychologist Stephen Karpman, M.D., in 1968. According to Karpman, there are three typical roles that participants in codependent relationships occupy in relation to each other: victim, persecutor, and rescuer.

By playing one of these roles, each participant satisfies their unspoken, often unconscious, needs and desires in the way they are most comfortable—this is the hidden purpose and motive for remaining in such a relationship. However, in the long run, this situation will bring no relief to either “player.”

A gambling addict’s son will be constantly dissatisfied with his mother, who doesn’t allow him to live in peace. A workaholic mother will constantly reproach her alcoholic husband and gambling addict son for “sitting on her” and “having done nothing useful in life.” An alcoholic father will complain about his wife, who constantly nags him and his son. In this example, all family members, to varying degrees, shift between roles: rescuer, persecutor, and victim. By helping her son and husband, the wife is actually doing them a disservice, preventing them from facing the consequences of their behavior, and by criticizing them, she creates tension, which each of them relieves in their chosen way—through alcohol or gambling.

The person who takes the role of persecutor or rescuer does not realize that by doing so, they are only maintaining the addiction.

Another example: A woman enters into a relationship with a married man who complains to her that his wife has ruined his life and is therefore very unhappy. She sees him as a suitable object for the role of savior: “I’ll be better than his wife; I’ll definitely make him happy.” The man plays the role of the victim, his wife the persecutor, and the woman sees herself as the savior. However, the man is in no hurry to leave his wife, and the woman eventually assumes the role of the victim, reproaching him for wasting years on him, saving his ruined life. Their relationship may last quite a long time; the man never divorces, but he also doesn’t break up with the woman. He will be tormented by a sense of duty to his wife and a sense of guilt towards the woman. The wife will try to get her husband back, the woman will try to hold on to the man; both will remain in the relationship, not attempt to change anything.

Why do all the participants in the triangle, dissatisfied with their situation, nevertheless persist in it? Initially, they all suffer from self-doubt, low self-esteem, a fear of loneliness, and a need for the approval of others. By ostensibly caring for a more “vulnerable,” “dependent” person, they attempt to compensate for their own shortcomings.

Psychologist and co-author of transactional analysis Claude Steiner put it this way: “The Victim is not really as helpless as he feels; the Rescuer is not really helping, and the Persecutor is not really making any legitimate claims.”

Consequences of codependent relationships

In a codependent family, wanting anything “for yourself” is forbidden—it’s perceived as selfishness, something reprehensible. Therefore, no one speaks up about what’s important to them; everyone waits for the other person to figure it out. People prefer to rely on social norms and attitudes, on the opinions of others (“they said it on TV,” “the boss thinks so,” “my friend knows for sure”)—that is, they base their decisions on a certain idea of ​​”how things should be.”

The idea of ​​asking someone what they want rarely arises. Usually for two reasons. First, the person “should figure it out for themselves.” Second, even if you ask, they’re unlikely to tell you, because “you can’t want anything for yourself.” They usually say shyly, “Whatever you choose, your concern is what matters most to me.” Everyone in the relationship is playing a guessing game, caring for others based on their own idea of ​​how things “should be.” So if a daughter wants a blue dress, they buy her a pink one: there’s no need to embarrass the family—what will people think if they see a girl in blue? And a boy in a pink T-shirt or a shirt with flowers—that’s unacceptable. Parents are genuinely concerned about their reputations—both their own and their child’s. But behind this fear of judgment, it’s difficult to hear yourself, your desires, or the requests of a loved one.

This “care” goes hand in hand with total control and judgment of loved ones’ actions if they seem unacceptable. And since the person lacks their own value system (in such a system, everyone tells them what they shouldn’t do, but no one tells them what they should do), and relies on the opinions of others, the rules of what they shouldn’t do change frequently. Therefore, all participants in the relationship are in a state of constant tension and anxiety, waiting for the next reproach to come their way and for what reason.

What does a child hear? Most of the time, it’s that they’re doing everything wrong. Parents typically don’t suggest how things could be better or how to improve the situation, because they themselves aren’t sure, and often don’t even know how. As a result, a child grows up without any stable values ​​to support them. Such a person comes to a psychologist asking, “What should I do? What’s the right decision?” All their questions will be focused on what’s right and what should be done. Such a person can’t defend their point of view—they practically don’t have one; they can’t make a choice or distinguish between what’s good and what’s bad. If asked how they’re feeling right now, they’ll be confused, because it’s important to them to give the “right answer.” Such people often experience anxiety in communication due to the fear of saying or doing the wrong thing. Anything new and unknown is perceived with hostility in the family, as “dangerous.” Initiative is discouraged. And when the child grows up, they are, on the one hand, expected to be independent, while on the other, they continue to be judged for every attempt they make, as well as for any inaction they may have. This leads to apathy and depression: doing something is bad, not doing it is also bad.

A teenager raised in such a family often struggles to choose where to study after high school or what to become. They’re more likely to follow their parents’ or classmates’ advice, or they’ll procrastinate without ever choosing a direction. Teenagers often turn to computer games. This addiction, like no other, clearly reflects the lack of a stable value system. Games offer a virtual opportunity to do something and achieve something. By progressing through levels, players acquire tools, skills, and companions, becoming masters of their virtual lives—their lives depend on them, and their actions have a clear outcome. The rules and laws of the game provide a sense of stability and, consequently, confidence. However, real life takes a hit: children fall behind in their studies, have no friends, and lack interest in anything but games.

People without a solid foundation of values ​​are perpetually helpless and despairing due to their inability to change anything. There are countless ways to escape feelings of worthlessness, guilt, shame, and anxiety: alcohol, drugs, food, work, romance, and so on. Anything that provides a quick release of tension. This is how addiction develops.

However, no addiction can make a person happy or their life fulfilling. Sooner or later, they begin to face the consequences of addictive behavior: it becomes addictive, social connections collapse, and problems snowball. A person with healthy boundaries and a stable value system is unlikely to enter into an intimate relationship with someone prone to codependency. If you find yourself in such a relationship, it’s best to start examining yourself, not your partner. In therapy, you’ll likely discover that similar relationships existed in your family of origin.

How to get out of a codependent relationship

If you feel your current relationship is having a destructive effect on you, you’re unsure of yourself, unsure of how to move on, and losing your sense of purpose, seek help from a psychologist. Leaving a codependent relationship can be challenging. Living in the role of savior, a person feels guilty for abandoning their “helpless” partner. Or leaving the relationship is perceived as a defeat: “I failed.” Or they’re overcome with the fear that they won’t survive alone, even though they’re supporting themselves and their family. Sometimes, a partner threatens suicide or violence, and then the person finds themselves in an unsafe situation and stays in the relationship out of fear.

Experience shows that it’s possible to escape a codependent relationship through sheer willpower, but this doesn’t guarantee a person won’t fall into it again in the future. It’s very difficult to independently identify the patterns and motivations that lead to codependent relationships, acknowledge one’s own contribution, restore self-regulation skills, and master new ways of building relationships. To escape a codependent relationship, one must first address oneself—learn to answer the questions “Where am I, what am I feeling and sensing, what do I want, what are my capabilities and boundaries?”

To develop the ability to understand your current state, you need to include in your value system the habit of answering questions:

• What’s happening to me
• What is important to me
• What suits me and what doesn’t suit me 
• when it’s time to say: “You can’t do this to me.”

Working with a psychologist can be done in one of three directions, or better yet, in all of them at once.

Personal therapy

The primary goal in overcoming codependent behavior is to address destructive attitudes, distorted self-perception, and fears. A person learns to openly express emotions and take care of themselves, thereby reducing anxiety and stress.

Working with a family psychologist

The goal is to acknowledge the contribution of each family member to the current situation, restore direct dialogue, and build trusting relationships through the expression of feelings and experiences, desires and needs, as opposed to previously existing destructive relationships based on criticism, obligation, and devaluation of each other’s desires and feelings.

Group work

There are anonymous groups for codependents. In a safe group environment, people learn productive interaction techniques and, with the help of the leader and group members, restore their sense of self-worth. Working in a group restores a sense of security and support, and self-confidence increases. They develop an image of themselves as socially adapted, successful, and possessing personal potential.

It’s important to remember that there is a way out of codependent relationships—both for the individual and for the entire family. It involves getting to know yourself, understanding your experiences, learning to express them to others, and building a value system. Bringing more clarity to your relationships with yourself and others.

What happens to victims of codependency isn’t their fault. Their character is a consequence of their upbringing, and their actions are determined by the ways they adapted to the adverse conditions they faced as children. We don’t choose the family we’re born into. And at the beginning, we’re dependent on our parents—that’s a fact. But there’s good news: as we grow up, we have the choice to try things differently and change our lives.

There are plenty of examples of relationships between partners, children, parents, and friends improving if those involved are committed. When one person in a relationship changes, others are forced to change as well. This doesn’t happen immediately, as those around you will resist. That’s why it’s important to attend both individual, family, and group therapy to receive maximum support during this difficult period of change.