We’ve been dressing love addiction in beautiful words and works for millennia. Many people create music, books, films, and other products of sublimation in this way. And all is well and good. But we shouldn’t commit the survivor’s mistake by ignoring the millions of souls who have died and withered away from it.
What is dopamine love?
Dopamine love, or what we call romantic, idealistic love, emerged later than all other “loves,” along with the advent of speech and art. Before that, everything was much more primitive and nerve-wracking: sex, procreation, and raising procreation for 5-7 years. Repeat.
Now, every third person (men are a little less likely to be affected, but they still get caught in the crossfire) is an emotional mess, suffering from post-romantic syndromes and rebuilding themselves from scratch.
This article, based on my video training “Love Cleaning. How to Clear the Space of Love” (or rather, one of its parts), is aimed at anyone who has ever experienced relationship difficulties or unrequited love. And yes, it will not only provide theory for understanding the causes of problems, but also practical steps for eliminating them.
When it comes to love, the most valuable information we receive isn’t shared with us by psychologists.
Much more authoritative on this issue:
- anthropologists who explain how relationships have evolved throughout history
- Neurophysiologists who explain how the brain works (and is responsible for relationship problems)
- endocrinologists who tell us about hormones – the main conductors of our condition
It was their research that formed the basis for the conclusion and recommendations.
Dopamine love is a state or emotion triggered by the regular release of the hormone dopamine in response to a specific person. This is the kind of love that can become “fixated” on one person and draw them into dependence on another.
Scientists scanning the brains of people in romantic love have witnessed a fascinating discovery: while talking about their loved ones, the brain regions that are activated during… cocaine use in drug addicts lit up brightly. So, those who’ve wondered what it’s like to snort cocaine might just fall in love.
It is dopamine love that is most often to blame for the fact that we give up our goals and relationships with other people in favor of one, as we think, the most worthy and interesting person on earth.
Tendency towards love addiction
Signs that you are trapped or at risk:
1. The possibility of meeting a person makes your heart beat faster, you feel a strong anticipation and excitement about whether he will like everything about you;
2. Idealization of a person: his virtues are extolled and considered something exceptional, inherent only to him, and his shortcomings are either leveled out, or explained, or even reprogrammed into virtues (he is rude, but at least he is courageous; she is hysterical, but at least she is so unpredictable);
3. It seems to you that the whole world around you has suddenly become dimmer, and only around this person the space is filled with some special bright glow;
4. Everything about this person suddenly seems special, interesting, and wonderful to you. Their home, their field of work, and even their glove can evoke a surge of powerful emotions in you;
5. It seems to you that you will never find another person of equal value anywhere or ever.
This love is not characteristic of everyone, but of many and in varying degrees of severity.
There are those who are capable of this, but consciously or unconsciously avoid people who evoke such feelings. They sense danger. Such people categorically choose only those who elicit a more appropriate hormonal response, opting for sex, affection, or a combination of both (testosterone-oxytocin relationships).
There are those who experience no such feelings at all—either toward people or events. These are usually people with dopamine deficiencies.
And then there are the third kind. These are the ones who can easily become “stuck” on one person for years. Some fall in love so wildly that their minds are blown and their eyes sparkle. Some are inclined to see in a person, if not their entire world, then at least a large part of it. Some understand that without a person, they will lose their meaning, which they will have to search for anew. And some are afraid they might not find it.
If you find yourself closest to the latter, there is good news and bad news for you.
The good news : you’re a potential achiever. Yes, you read that correctly. Your ventral tegmental area, caudate nucleus, and other brain regions are doing their job like a charm, constantly pumping out dopamine. And believe me, not everyone is lucky enough to have that.
The bad news : right now, you could be a remarkable person. The founder of an empire, a pioneer, a billionaire. You could have won an Oscar or a Pulitzer Prize. You could have. But in the space reserved for these achievements, you have a man who probably never intended to live there.
You once unleashed all that wonderful dopamine on this unfortunate person. He became your world, your source of pleasure, your greatest achievement.
This is how, while in a dopamine intoxication from another person, disguised as romance, many lose 5-10-20 years of their precious life.
Photo by Nick Fewings on Unsplash
What to do if you’re trapped in unhappy love
Not everyone with high dopamine production is obsessed with someone else. Usually, this kind of love addiction has a specific cause, and often it’s a matter of simple chance and (bad) luck.
Most likely, this was that period of your life when you were searching for yourself and the goals you wanted to pursue. You might not have enjoyed your studies or work, you might not have been passionate about a goal or project. You didn’t know who you were or what you wanted from life. And for a dopamine-dependent person like you, this state was unbearable.
And it’s at this very time of uncertainty and searching that you encounter a person . This person, with their tactical and technical characteristics, strikes the very image that, due to random events, has become anchored in your mind as “ideal.”
And then he tells you, “I like you,” and that’s what happens.
If you’re compatible not only emotionally but also sexually, that’s it! This is the point of no return. You’ve found the purpose and meaning you’ve been searching for, and they’re in this person.
If you’re reading this article and feeling deeply hurt by a past relationship, I recommend my video course, Reconstruction of Love , which I’m truly proud of . This course contains powerful self-hypnotic practices, one of which helps reprogram memories of past relationships and clear the past of pain and toxicity – ” The Corridor of Power .” You can use it whenever you feel tired or mentally (physically or emotionally) exhausted, needing to recharge, recharge, feel better, and shift into a resourceful state. To experience the immediate healing effects of this practice, simply sit comfortably, turn on the practice, close your eyes, and listen. Your subconscious will do the rest.
For the rest of you, who generally choose not those with whom it’s easy and pleasant, but those who take your breath away and blow your mind, there’s one main piece of advice for you:
Always have goals that inspire you and move towards them.
Only this will give your dopamine the high-quality release you’ve been deprived of. Only this will help drown out the cries of memories of “those wonderful days when we were together” and kill the fantasy of being irreplaceable.
What exactly can you do:
- Attend motivational events. Yes, those same ones that made you smile wryly;
- Start working with passion and try to achieve results;
- Take up sports, making sure to include an element of competition;
- Join marathons and any other events where you need to achieve a goal;
- Find mentors, coaches, or simply people who will help you bring your desires to the surface.
Of course, at first it will all seem like nonsense. Spilling all your dopamine on another person, rather than on your own life, is a habit. It’s hardwired into the brain’s neural networks, and they’re stronger than ever. But over time, they’ll weaken if you don’t use them and train them with others. The main thing is to do it.
Only in this way can you return to that forgotten road from which you took a wrong turn long ago, entrusting all your dopamine happiness into the hands of another person.
