Some people find it difficult to maintain calm and stable relationships. If things are going too smoothly, they deliberately provoke arguments—and this brings them temporary relief. The opposite situation also happens, when any relationship can become dramatic. And even if partners are tired of emotional swings and long for stability, they still find themselves in the thick of things. Why does this happen?
Let’s start with the fact that these swings often exist within the person themselves. Moods can swing from happy to dejected in an instant: a person wants to be active and have fun, but half an hour later, they’re locked in a room, asking to be left alone. Or, conversely, a person is calm, but some annoying little thing sends them into a rage—they let off steam, and then begin to regret losing their temper and saying too much.
There may be several reasons for this behavior.
We hide or don’t acknowledge our feelings.
Emotional outbursts indicate that a person is out of touch with his own feelings.
This often happens when feelings have to be hidden or suppressed. For example, if a young child is scolded by their parents for being overly emotional, as an adult, they will hide their emotions from others, and often even from themselves. However, even those emotions that are successfully hidden deep within will sooner or later burst forth with renewed vigor.
Thus, a girl who has been holding back her dissatisfaction with her boss for a long time may “explode” for no apparent reason at home or among friends.
But even more dangerous is not the conscious suppression of feelings, but the unconscious process of repression. They don’t have time to reach conscious awareness, and the effects of such repression can be noticed later, through emotional ups and downs. For example, a man at work fails to gain the attention of his superiors. At home, he might accidentally provoke a conflict that will allow him to take revenge and reclaim the attention he missed.
If a person doesn’t have good contact with their feelings, their feelings will live their own lives, and the person will live their own. Then external events will often become the “wind” that rocks the “swing”: first within the person themselves, and soon within their relationships with significant others. Such “swings” become a way to discharge pent-up experiences or recover repressed ones, but they often cause pain to others and damage relationships.
Sometimes it’s all about a specific internal connection that a person has internalized as good. And then they simply recreate this internal connection in any external relationships. This reason, of course, is also connected to feelings—or rather, their excess.
There are too many feelings
An overabundance of feelings is often the result of an early relationship with a mother who was too overstimulating.
One of the mother’s main tasks is to calm the baby and neutralize its agitation. If the baby cries, and the mother feels angry or helpless, this increases the baby’s agitation. The baby falls asleep exhausted, but the anxiety inside remains.
When an adult copes with their own emotions, the child feels cradled and calms down. However, if excitement turns into exaltation and emotional devastation, the child finds themselves on a seesaw. As an adult, they will unconsciously reproduce this relationship pattern with their partner or their own child.
People usually enter into relationships with emotionally unstable partners because the connection with them recreates the primal bond with their mother. But even if such a person chooses a balanced partner, they will unconsciously provoke arguments and conflicts to experience that arousing thrill again. Without overstimulation, they won’t be able to experience the “taste of the relationship”—they’ll feel unloved and unappreciated.
What to do?
Work with your feelings. This is both simple and complex advice. It’s important to constantly look within, analyze your experiences, and seek answers to questions like, “What am I feeling right now and why?” and “How am I dealing with my feelings?” At first, this may seem like hard work, but over time, it will become a natural part of life.
This process requires not only curiosity about one’s inner world but also courage. It’s not always tempting to acknowledge unpleasant or “shameful” feelings. But it’s important to remember: there are no bad feelings, only bad actions dictated by those feelings. Therefore, it’s best not to take action, as the price is often too high.
With an overstimulating connection, things are a bit more complicated. It’s difficult to transform it into personal relationships, and this is where a therapeutic relationship comes in handy. During the first few sessions, you might experience the familiar feeling that “nothing’s happening” and you’re “too bored” with the therapist. In reality, you’ll gradually reconstruct your inner connection—and over time, the swing will become a cradle.
