We’ve been dating for six months, having a great time together, but when we’re apart, he’s completely uninterested in me. He’s fighting for personal space—time with friends, sports, and family. I often stay over for the weekend, and he introduces me to his friends and shares his interests. Yet, he’s unwilling to move forward in our relationship. He says we have different “life goals.”
He’s comfortable alone in his apartment; he doesn’t offer to move in together or introduce me to his parents. I don’t pressure or demand, but I do communicate my desires. I don’t want to end the relationship—he’s perfectly fine with me when we’re together. How can I change this “stone wall” and make him want to live together?
Lia, 28 years old
Lia, hello. Reading your question, I see that there’s something important and painful in your relationship. Let’s explore what’s going on between you together.
You’ve been dating for six months—usually a time of infatuation and ease, when partners enjoy getting to know each other. In your case, the picture is different: you write that he’s “fighting for his personal space.” This phrase is key. A struggle begins when someone feels their boundaries are being threatened.
Perhaps he perceives your natural desire for greater intimacy and talk of moving out not as a plan for the future, but as an infringement on his established, comfortable life. Even gently voicing your desires when your partner isn’t ready for them can feel like pressure. He directly states his unreadiness: your “wishes for life” diverge, and he’s happy alone. This is an honest position, albeit painful for you.
Here we come to an important topic: codependent dynamics. This often manifests itself in the “love addict” and “counter-addict” pairing.
One partner (the addict) strives for total fusion, seeing the other as a source of emotional fulfillment and meaning. The other (the counter-addict) instinctively distances themselves, protecting their autonomy like the air necessary for life.
There’s a contradiction in what you write. “He suits me perfectly when we’re together”—you feel good in the moment of contact, but overall, the relationship doesn’t provide you with a sense of security and growth. This creates an underlying suffering and anxiety that you want to eliminate—for example, by moving in together to be closer. But the paradox is that healthy, long-term relationships are built not out of a fear of loneliness or lack, but out of an inner fulfillment and the willingness of two whole people to be together.
From an existential perspective, true intimacy hinges primarily on one’s relationship with oneself. Intimacy has different levels: from the light “being touched” by the other to the intense “being consumed.” Intimacy that the other person doesn’t consent to can become a violation of their boundaries. Your partner, it seems, has built their own life—they have friends, sports, family, their own space. They may be looking not for someone to fill their life, but for someone who will understand them and respect their autonomy, sharing their journey rather than consuming them.
The main question: what is more important to you—moving together in the short term at any cost or building a healthy, long-term relationship where partners value and respect each other?
If the goal is the former, then it’s likely unachievable with this person. It’s impossible to force someone to want something they don’t want.
Desire arises from within, from personal readiness and freedom.
If your goal is the latter, then the path lies in shifting your focus to yourself. Desire resides in the space between people, not in complete fusion. When distance disappears, so does the relationship itself, and with it, the tension and attraction. Your partner intuitively tries to maintain a healthy distance. Your task is not to try to eliminate it, but to build your life so that it is filled with meaning and joy beyond this relationship.
I propose two directions for reflection and action.
- Explore your anxiety. Why is it so difficult for you to cope with the lack of attention when you’re apart? What’s behind your strong desire to move in together right now? Understanding this is a crucial step, and therapy can help.
- Shift your focus to yourself. Truly strengthen your life—not for show, but out of a sense of inner fulfillment. Find your own interests, hobbies, and social circles where you feel alive and engaged. When a person has their own fulfilling life, they stop putting pressure on relationships—they bring themselves to them, rather than expecting them to fill the void.
Lia, sometimes the most difficult and important step isn’t changing the other person, but finding the courage to let go of control, accept your partner’s reality, and begin building your life from a place of inner integrity. This, paradoxically, creates the very soil in which a true, mutual desire to be together can blossom.
