Is it worth committing—even briefly—to someone who is simply incapable of creating a healthy and strong relationship? And how can this inability be recognized?
Of course, you shouldn’t label all emotionally unstable people as bad or demonize them. They’re incapable of creating and maintaining healthy relationships with others because their relationship with themselves is currently going through a rough patch. To be reliable for you, they must first be reliable for themselves. This will require a great deal of effort, and no one will force them to do it until they’re willing. You won’t set them on the right path, either.
And if a potential partner has embarked on a journey of healing, it’s best to wait until they’ve completed it. Until then, their attention and energy will be focused solely on themselves. If you don’t want to walk away with a broken heart (and if you do, perhaps you need to consider your own emotional instability), pay attention to these five signs.
1. He trusts everyone except himself.
A lack of self-trust is a sign of trauma , most often sustained in childhood. Childhood trauma often drives people to deny themselves and their needs in order to survive. As adults, they literally give away their power to everyone around them and suffer for it. You may be pleased to feel their trust. But ask yourself: is this trust based on a special intimacy that has stood the test of time, or is it based on the fact that this person is simply catastrophically insecure? In the latter case, the trust has nothing to do with you—it’s simply a consequence of unhealed emotional wounds.
Why does a lack of self-confidence mean this person will hurt you? Because they’re easily influenced by the slightest influence. They don’t have their own moral compass; they haven’t developed one yet. It’s better to rely on someone who can rely on themselves. Such a person will be able to support not only themselves, but you as well, if needed.
2. He constantly complains about his health.
This doesn’t mean that the slightest ailment or diagnosis should immediately scare you off. But someone who constantly complains of a loss of energy and suspects every possible illness is not the best candidate for attachment. Often, the habit of suffering unnecessarily over their physical condition indicates low self-esteem and that all their energy will be spent trying to cope with some mysterious ailment rather than developing and strengthening the relationship. It’s likely that they truly do need to focus on themselves right now. But they won’t have the resources left for you.
3. He uses “doping”
Alcohol, drugs, prescription medications, even overeating, are alarming symptoms. A person dependent on “doping” is incapable of true intimacy with others because they only feel comfortable after consuming something. It alters their mood, creating an artificial personality.
The more often a person needs a new “fix,” the less stable their emotional state. And you will never be their top priority. The addiction will always be their top priority. You’re probably thinking, “But there are so many couples out there where one or both partners use something.” Yes, but that only means there’s an emotionally unstable person in the relationship, or even two. They may be in a relationship, but that doesn’t mean their union is healthy.
4. He has a lot of experience in “bad” relationships
If you have the opportunity to analyze your partner’s previous relationships, do so. Has he repeatedly allowed others to treat him disrespectfully and stayed in relationships for long periods of time where he clearly felt unwell? This most likely indicates that he doesn’t value himself and believes he’s unworthy of love and respect. The more unworthy he feels, the more he’ll need you to validate his worth. But you’ll never be able to fill that black hole, no matter how hard you try.
This is a codependent relationship that will inevitably lead to suffering for both of you. An emotionally stable partner is self-confident. They are modest, but they also know their own worth and don’t need you to “feed” their ego.
5. He sees life in black and white.
A pessimistic approach and a lack of faith in the success of any undertaking, even the most trivial, should alert you. If someone views life through the prism of potential failure, they will view you and your relationship the same way. Emotional instability doesn’t make someone bad or doomed to loneliness; it simply means they need to focus on themselves and their mental state. Independently and of their own free will, not at your behest or with your help. And don’t linger around waiting for them to finally change; let them figure out their life on their own.
