Sometimes we agree with someone simply because we’re afraid of ruining the relationship. However, over time, this behavior can backfire: accumulated irritation, resentment, and a sense of self-betrayal will slowly and quietly erode a friendship or love.
It’s not the disagreement itself that destroys relationships, but the way it’s expressed. Aggression, devaluation, pressure, and humiliation truly undermine connections. However, disagreement isn’t always a hard “no.” More often, it simply means, “I see things differently.”
Below are practical steps to help you express your position or refuse while maintaining respect for yourself and the other person.
Right to pause
A pause is necessary when you’re unsure how to express disagreement appropriately and without unnecessary emotion. You don’t have to react immediately.
Trying to respond automatically often leads us to either agree unwillingly or speak more harshly than intended. A pause allows us to separate the impulse from the position—and say “otherwise” without conflict .
It can be designated as follows:
- “I need to check my schedule/diary and I will give you an answer” ( work and organizational issues ).
- “Let’s take a break on this topic: I want to think it over and then I’ll share my vision” ( discussion of decisions, controversial topics ).
- “I need time to formulate my attitude towards this” ( talks about positions and opinions ).
- “Right now I don’t know what to answer you, give me time to think” ( personal and emotionally charged conversations ).
- “I want to consult with (husband, wife, sister, friend…)” ( personal decisions outside the work context ).
The Basic Steps of Good Disagreement
STEP 1. Softening the Rejection: The “Minus, but Plus” Formula
This technique is suitable for situations where it is not a matter of a difference of opinion, but rather a refusal to take an action or request—when you are not ready, cannot, or do not want to take on the additional burden.
Often, when we refuse, we habitually begin with the phrase, “I’d be glad to, but …” This construction (“plus – but – minus”) shifts the focus to the refusal and devalues everything said before the word “but.”
Try it differently:
- first , honestly identify the limitation,
- then add “but” with a possible alternative, support or form of participation.
FALSE (positive, but negative): “I’d love to take on your project, but I’m fully booked this quarter.”
TRUE (minus, but plus): “I’m fully booked this quarter, so I won’t be able to take on the project for full support, but I’m ready to act as a consultant at key stages or recommend a reliable colleague.”
Other examples:
- “Mom, I won’t take these ten bowls of salads, but I’ll gladly take your raspberry jam.”
- “I’m working and can’t come today, but let’s definitely spend time together next week.”
- “I can’t cover for you this weekend, but I’m free on Friday and can help you speed up so you can get everything done.”
This procedure allows us to first establish boundaries and then maintain contact and a friendly tone. Refusal ceases to sound like rejection and becomes a form of cooperation.
STEP 2: Talk about yourself. Use “I-statements”
When we hear something we disagree with—especially in an emotionally charged situation—it’s easy to resort to accusations: “You’re wrong,” “You’re not listening,” “That’s stupid.” Such language immediately puts the other person on the defensive, and the conversation turns into a battle rather than a dialogue.
An “I” statement allows you to express your disagreement directly, but without aggression. It’s not an avoidance of conflict, but a way to make your position known so that it can be heard.
Structure:
- Fact/Trigger: What you heard or noticed (without judgment)
- Your perception/feeling/reaction – how does it resonate with you?
- Clearly stating your position or disagreement
- Invitation to dialogue or search for a solution
Examples
Work situation: “I understand that you’re eager to launch your product immediately. I see this as a reputational risk, and I’d like to suggest a phased implementation.”
Partnerships: “When you say this vacation option is the only one possible, I feel like my wishes are being overlooked. I see the situation differently and want to discuss my options.”
“When you say ‘everyone’s always done it this way,’ I feel pressured. I see it differently. Let’s discuss what’s best for us, not what’s best for ‘everyone.'”
This format of statements helps to express disagreement clearly and calmly, without turning the conversation into a conflict.
STEP 3: Shift your focus from “who’s right” to finding a solution
Once you’ve made your position clear, it’s important not to get stuck in an argument about “who’s right.” When a conversation turns into a competition, both sides stop listening to each other and defend their egos rather than their positions.
The purpose of this step is to move the conversation from confrontational to collaborative consideration.
- Legitimize both opinions: “Your logic is clear: ______. I had a slightly different experience/perspective: ______. Let’s try to take both into account.”
- Offer comparison instead of argument. Instead of arguing that one option is wrong, suggest evaluating several approaches: “Let’s look at the pros and cons of each option and try to find the optimal solution.”
- Use questions that expand the dialogue. They help you understand the other side’s thinking without compromising your own position: “Tell me why this is so important to you” or “Let’s think about how we can take both your perspectives into account in this situation.”
In this way, the conversation ceases to be a struggle for rightness and becomes a joint search for a solution, in which disagreement does not destroy the dialogue, but sets the direction for the discussion.
STEP 4. Right of return: disagreement can be expressed later
Sometimes in the moment we remain silent, agree reluctantly, or react too harshly—simply because we don’t have time to formulate our position. This isn’t a mistake or a weakness, but a normal human reaction.
It’s important to remember: there’s no statute of limitations on making your position clear. If the conversation remains unfinished or you feel unheard, you can return to it later—calmer and more accurately.
You can return to the dialogue like this:
- “I’ve thought a lot about our conversation and realized that it’s important for me to return to it and make my position clear.”
- “I don’t think I was able to articulate everything that was important to me back then. Can I try saying it now?”
- “I feel like we haven’t fully understood each other. I’d like to reiterate my point of view.”
This return does not exacerbate the conflict, but, on the contrary, gives the conversation a chance to become more honest and deeper.
Important: these steps work where dialogue is possible. In situations of aggression, pressure, or systemic devaluation, it’s no longer about disagreement but about defending boundaries . Expressing disagreement isn’t a guarantee of being heard, but a decision to be honest with oneself and a willingness to tolerate the other person’s reaction.
