When we’re dissatisfied with someone’s behavior, the first thing we want to do is unleash all our anger on the “offender.” We begin to blame the other person for everything, and the argument escalates. Psychologists say that so-called “I-messages” help us express our point of view correctly and avoid offending the other person in such disputes. What are they?
“You forgot about your promise again,” “You’re always late,” “You’re selfish, you always do only what you want” — we’ve had to say such phrases more than once, not only ourselves, but also hear them addressed to us.
When something doesn’t go according to our plan, or another person doesn’t behave the way we’d like, we think that by blaming them and pointing out their shortcomings, we’ll call them to their conscience and they’ll immediately improve. But it doesn’t work.
When we use “You-messages”—shifting responsibility for our emotions onto the other person—they naturally become defensive. They develop a persistent feeling of being attacked.
You will be able to show your interlocutor that you take responsibility for your feelings.
Ultimately, he goes on the attack himself, and an altercation ensues, which can escalate into conflict and possibly even a breakdown in the relationship. However, such consequences can be avoided by switching from this communication strategy to “I-messages.”
Using this technique, you can show your interlocutor that you take responsibility for your feelings and that they themselves aren’t the cause of your anxiety, but rather certain of their actions. This approach significantly increases the chances of a constructive dialogue.
“I-messages” are constructed according to four rules:
1. Let’s talk about feelings
First, we need to let our interlocutor know what emotions we’re experiencing at the moment, what’s disturbing our inner peace. These could include phrases like “I’m upset,” “I’m worried,” “I’m sad,” or “I’m worried.”
2. Report the facts
Then we report the fact that influenced our state. It’s important to be as objective as possible and not judge the person’s actions. We simply describe what exactly led to the negative mood.
Note that even starting with “I-messages,” at this stage we often switch to “You-messages.” This might look like this: “I’m irritated because you never show up on time,” “I’m angry because your house is always a mess.”
To avoid this, it’s better to use impersonal sentences, indefinite pronouns, and generalizations. For example, “I get upset when people are late,” “I feel bad when the room is dirty.”
3. Give an explanation
Then we need to try to explain why we’re offended by a particular action. This way, our complaint won’t seem unfounded.
So, if he is late, you can say: “…because I have to stand alone and freeze” or “…because I have little time, and I would like to spend more time with you.”
4. Express your desire
Finally, we need to explain what behavior we prefer from the other person. For example, “I would like to be warned if I’m late.” So, instead of “You’re late again,” we get: “I worry when my friends are late because I think something’s wrong with them. I would like to be called if I’m late.”
Of course, “I-messages” may not immediately become a part of your life. It takes time to transition from a familiar behavioral strategy to a new one. Nevertheless, it’s worth continuing to use this technique whenever conflict arises.
With its help, you can significantly improve your relationship with your partner, as well as learn to understand that our emotions are our sole responsibility.
Exercise
Think back to a situation in which you expressed a complaint. What words did you use? What was the outcome of the conversation? Did you reach an understanding or did it lead to a fight? Then consider how you could shift the “you” messages to “I” messages in that conversation.
It may be difficult to find the right wording, but try to find options for phrases that you can use to communicate your feelings without blaming your partner.
Imagine your interlocutor, get into character, and deliver the formulated “I-messages” in a soft, calm tone. Analyze your own feelings. Then try practicing the skill in real life.
You’ll find that your conversations will increasingly end constructively, leaving no room for resentment to harm your emotional state and relationships.
