We weren’t taught how to build healthy relationships in school. Heck, sometimes even our parents can’t give us any sound advice. So, with a slightly battered view of love, nurtured by fiction, movies, magazine articles, and advice from those who’ve had it all wrong, we rush into relationships (often to ruin them). But the worst part is, we don’t learn from our relationship mistakes—we stubbornly repeat them because we don’t realize it.
However, by accepting the position that happiness in a relationship “either happens or it doesn’t,” we deprive ourselves of the right to choose and the opportunity to build a happy relationship with our own hands.
But let’s assume now, for the sake of an experiment, that everything in a relationship can depend on us. Not on chance, not on circumstances, not even on the other person, but on us. We choose who we’re with and how we express ourselves, and that’s enough. Do you agree?
If so, today we’ll discuss 3 common mistakes women make in relationships with men that can ruin a lot.
1: Expecting the worst from someone
A monumental mistake women make at the beginning of a relationship is to expect a catch from everywhere.
You’re always “on guard,” and it’s easier for you to assume the worst about someone. This way, you’re prepared, but still have the chance to be pleasantly surprised. I’m guessing that more often than not, you get exactly what you originally expected.
Do you know why?
People always live up to our expectations, no matter what we think about them.
The cause of this is tunnel vision—the brain’s ability to simplify a task by narrowing its awareness, adjusting it to a point at the end (the conclusion). Due to this narrowing, the brain begins to extract from the information space only what confirms this point, the conclusion, rejecting everything else.
And of course, the one who sees this way begins to behave in accordance with what he sees.
Let’s take a woman with the initial attitude “all men cheat.” She will:
1. Seeing her future tears in every man often attracts those who will provide them. She focuses on certain qualities in men, and thus “sifts” them out (with rare exceptions).
2. He will see a threat in every call and correspondence, and every time he will get nervous, be sarcastic, put pressure on your brain, ask leading questions, and vindictively flirt with others.
3. Even if she keeps silent about her thoughts and suspicions, a woman will show her dissatisfaction indirectly in the form of coldness, sadness, irritability, and stiffness in bed, which will ruin the relationship.
The most offensive thing is that even if her Vasya turns out to be a positive man without any signs of wild life, their relationship will still falter. Because, despite all reasonable expectations, after a while, he:
- He will cheat because he himself will be imbued with the idea of betrayal, which was methodically loaded into his brain.
- He will cheat simply because his partner has tired him out, thereby killing the intimacy in the relationship.
- He will not change, but will leave because he is tired and angry.
- He won’t cheat or leave, but he will be home less often, become nervous and sarcastic, which will “finish off” the remaining closeness.
The observer forms the system
And it doesn’t matter who’s watching whom or what they “see”—it works the same way in all cases. He might think all women are materialistic bitches, she might think everyone around her is weak and freeloading, and he’s probably a jerk too. And the worst part is, all of this will come true—the one who thinks it will make sure it happens.
What to do instead?
If your negativity is a result of your underlying beliefs or past experiences, rather than your partner’s behavior, then leave your partner alone and focus on your own beliefs. Remember, beliefs about life shape life itself. If you harbor toxic beliefs about people and the world in general, the side of you that you believe will be viewed in the same way. One of the simplest ways is to consciously choose healthy, helpful beliefs about your partner, focus on them, and seek confirmation of them every day.
If your negativity is the result of your partner’s behavior, it’s worth discussing it openly. Don’t nag or quietly seek revenge, but lay all your cards on the table. And then, if you value your relationship with them, observe their actions, keeping an inner focus on what makes you happy about them.
Use your attention to cultivate what you want, not the other way around!
2: Thinking one thing about a man and saying another
The essence is similar to the previous point: in a relationship with a man, it doesn’t matter at all what you declare if the opinion/expectation that sits inside you doesn’t coincide with your words and actions.
Imagine your partner is fired up with the idea of opening a store. This idea irritates you for many “objective” reasons, but you’re a good person, so you’ll keep your thoughts to yourself, supporting your partner with words and actions. You’ll shoot back, so to speak.
But there are several problems:
1. Nonverbal cues. Your gaze, your facial expressions, your voice—all of it will sound unnatural, forced, and, what’s more, obvious. You’re confident you’re playing well and can’t be pushed into a corner, but believe me, over time, that’s exactly what will happen. Do you know why? Because people aren’t stupid. They watch, they “read,” and consciously or unconsciously figure out when verbal cues differ from nonverbal ones.
2. A moment of weakness. You haven’t gotten enough sleep, you’re tired, you’ve been bullied at work, the project has taken a hit, or you just fought with a friend. Your self-control has been exhausted, and as luck would have it, your partner decides to discuss “their stupidity” with you. Result: you’ve lost your cool, the bitter truth of your opinion has been spilled, your partner is angry, and your trust is shattered.
What to do instead?
The first option is to always tell the truth after processing it first. You can’t imagine how much better it is for everyone to sometimes tell an unpleasant truth, but right away, before it starts to make them sick inside. Rather than that, in an impulse, dumping it on someone when they least expect it, after all, you’ve been feeding them false support.
Relationship mistakes would be cut in half if people understood the true stakes every time they lie. Does your partner’s idea seem risky? Say so and point out the potential dangers. Don’t like their behavior or initiative? Gently inform them, offer an alternative, ask for understanding, and express your feelings. But don’t do it from the “I’ll teach you a lesson, you idiot” position.
The second option is to change your internal attitude toward the subject. NLP offers a wealth of reframing techniques, allowing you to discover hidden resources and potential in a person or an undertaking, and to see the situation from a different perspective. After all, you, too, are sometimes biased and make mistakes, just like everyone else.
3: “Coaching” a man
You’ve seen Tony Robbins, completed an NLP workshop, and gained the power of self-motivation. You’ve realized what your problem was and how to solve it. And you really, really need to share this knowledge with your partner and everyone you can reach.
No, not sharing—rather, enlightening, leading them out of the darkness of ignorance. Aren’t they blazing with enthusiasm? Drowning fools, unwilling to save themselves. Well, then it’s time to shame them, recall all the misfortunes their faulty approach has caused, remind them of their pain, and, of course, offer your pill again. And be very surprised when their lack of enthusiasm gives way to an almost revolutionary denial, and sometimes even aggression towards you.
The desire to do good to your partner stems from several underlying issues: a sudden increase in self-importance, a failure to perceive your partner as a separate individual with their own brain and rights, a fear that your partner will become a complete loser without your advice, and much more. But the issue isn’t even the reasons; it’s the negative outcome you’ll experience in 99% of cases.
What to do instead?
The answer is so obvious that no one hears it anymore: leave your partner alone and follow your own advice. If you’re so right and they’re so wrong, you’ll both soon see it in your own results! By becoming a bulwark of what you preach, you’ll be the primary persuasive force capable of influencing others’ behavior. People can and will resist your words if they haven’t asked for them. But no one will resist tangible results.
But this only works when your values and goals align with the person’s. It’s impossible to motivate someone who doesn’t care about sports with your athletic success. Sure, they’ll pat you on the back, congratulate you, and then… go on to achieve their goals. But that’s another story.
Take care of yourself! Because when you change yourself, you change everything you come into contact with. Including your relationship with your man.
Please let me know in the comments if you recognize yourself or your partner in any of these points. Perhaps you’d like to add something?
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